Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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