I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
