If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
