All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
