I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
