So drunk its hurt
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
