Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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