we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
being pregnant is like rehab
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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