You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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