I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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