My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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