Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
