Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
