Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
