why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
