apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
