Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
