Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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