Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
