We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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