I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
