Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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