your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
