Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
