I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
