weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
