My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
