After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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