Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
