I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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