i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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