i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
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No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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