On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
