Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
