You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
