A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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