shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
