i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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