it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
