The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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