maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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