Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
