I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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