And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
