Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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