Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize