I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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