If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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