im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just threw up on my dentist
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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