dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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