he told me I talked like a deaf person
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
