it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
