If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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