There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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