I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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