I think I died a long time ago.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
In America we eat man semen.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
