I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize