Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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